Fears.
This place keeps a pretty grueling schedule. We're a third of the way through the quarter, which means daddy exam and me are gonna tangle in a little over 6 weeks.
My grades are... satisfactory. Obviously not as good as they were at my former school, but... damn, the two that I have are both above the median. One almost passes for what's considered an "A" at this school. I think back to the time I spent slacking last quarter... the week I missed when I was interviewing, the weekends that evaporated in a haze of video games and sleep, and the trips to see the girlfriend... I think of the motivational issues I had, and the intense feeling of dread in the weeks leading up to exams. I *knew* that I wasn't putting enough effort into this.
I honestly thought I was going to completely wipe out on exams because of my less than stellar work ethic. Now here I sit, one quarter later, having miraculously passed through the fire unscathed (at least so far). Again I *know* I'm not doing enough work, and the creeping sense of dread is slowly rising to the top of my stomach.
Sitting here I just realized a simple truth about myself: no matter how many times I win, I am always going to assume I've failed until reality proves me wrong. I spent a year getting straight A's at my old school, and a quarter getting damn good grades here, and all I can think about is when the other shoe is going to drop.
Oddly, I think I'm ok with this built-in expectation of failure. Truth be told, this one characteristic is probably responsible for the bulk of my success so far. An intense, irrational fear of a particular stimulus can lead to a powerful avoidance response. In other words, to the extent that one fears failure, one will work to avoid it.
The most important positive aspect of this trait, however, is that it keeps me primed for reality. I will fall flat on my ass eventually. Nobody wins all the time, and when life kicks your ass, it really is better if you see it coming
My grades are... satisfactory. Obviously not as good as they were at my former school, but... damn, the two that I have are both above the median. One almost passes for what's considered an "A" at this school. I think back to the time I spent slacking last quarter... the week I missed when I was interviewing, the weekends that evaporated in a haze of video games and sleep, and the trips to see the girlfriend... I think of the motivational issues I had, and the intense feeling of dread in the weeks leading up to exams. I *knew* that I wasn't putting enough effort into this.
I honestly thought I was going to completely wipe out on exams because of my less than stellar work ethic. Now here I sit, one quarter later, having miraculously passed through the fire unscathed (at least so far). Again I *know* I'm not doing enough work, and the creeping sense of dread is slowly rising to the top of my stomach.
Sitting here I just realized a simple truth about myself: no matter how many times I win, I am always going to assume I've failed until reality proves me wrong. I spent a year getting straight A's at my old school, and a quarter getting damn good grades here, and all I can think about is when the other shoe is going to drop.
Oddly, I think I'm ok with this built-in expectation of failure. Truth be told, this one characteristic is probably responsible for the bulk of my success so far. An intense, irrational fear of a particular stimulus can lead to a powerful avoidance response. In other words, to the extent that one fears failure, one will work to avoid it.
The most important positive aspect of this trait, however, is that it keeps me primed for reality. I will fall flat on my ass eventually. Nobody wins all the time, and when life kicks your ass, it really is better if you see it coming
posted by Snubligent at 1:32 AM
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